Bend and not break

Time:

7:58 pm.

FIRST: if any of you care you'd at least pray that i dont die wednesday morning while the doctors are scraping out the tonsils and adenoids in my throat.. and OH YEAH, lasering the inside of my nasal passages.. yes., thats correct people.. tika will be in surgery for the first time ever... and im already shitting my pants. i mean, HELLO... some intern is gonna be giving me my anasthesia and then she'll suddenly realize, "OOPS! I didn't realize weight and age mattered while administering this particular anesthetic!".... need i say more?

SECOND: I'm missing rush... but is that nesisicarilly a bad thing? hmm..

THIRD: I'm a loser. I never go out.. OOOOK.. so that's a lie.. i go out a lot.. and get my car taken away for drinking and driving.. and not really drinking.. but still getting my car taken away.. o well.. probably shouldnt be drinking before they kill me with anesthesia anyways..

FOURTH: boys suck. Have i ever mentioned that i enjoy my life a wee bit more when boys are NOT involved?

FIFTH: I quit joe's crab shack.. or should i say "Hoe's crab shack".. yes people, this place WAS a breeding ground for whores and crabs... it was nassssssty. ANYWAYS.. it probably wasnt a good thing i got a server fired for asking him for bloody marys, and it probably ALSO wasnt a good thing that i broke the hostess stand made of glass... with my fist..yeeeeah..

OOOK.. nothing more from me.. because i have nothing more to say.. yay! bye loves..

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Time:

12:09 pm.

Not that i wanna start bitching about all this again, but um... how in gods holy heaven did krystal conrad get staff over me? im a bit confused... did she not completley abandon camp for a long time? im so goddamn bitter now.. i love krystal, but come on... why did this happen? i wish i could just buck up and say yeah, i didnt make it.. and move on.. because thats what mature people do... but NO! IM NOT MATURE GODDAMMIT... SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! im hearing everyone come back from camp and telling me their stories and i hate it.. its not fair for me not to be there. apparently dedication is nothing... apparently love and spirit and passion means nothing. fuck the camp. honestly. and its not like i have another chance to apply because next year i cant.. im stuck in my appartment for the summer.. soo its goodbye to camp.. officially.. o well, thanks for all the years you gave me.. i wish i could have given back something..

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

you'd think the time i spent made a difference to someone...and not only me..

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Time:

9:09 pm.

I think it bothers me that camp started today and I'm not there. Not even as a camper. O well. I just have to let go and realize that everything that happened, happened for a reason. And even though I may not know what that reason is, i know God made it happen because it will build be as a person in the long run. Right, maggie? Me loves you!

Dinner with him tonight. not really awkward, but sad. I was lethargic for what used to be. But once again, everything happens for a reason.. right? he smelled so good...

work at joe's is doing well. cant wait to become a server and make good tips every night. someone come and visit me so i can serve you medeocre king crab. AND if any of you want to use me (because abuse is fun!) you can come eat with me there one night and get it 50 percent off.. hmm...

I cant wait till next semester. Honestly.. my appartment is going to the fucking awesome. I have the two best roomates in the world. Little brit brit and lina! We'll have the typical college appartment.. alcohol bottle lining the walls and whatnot. Which reminds me of walt.. and now i have nothing to say.

I miss emily.. emily.. can we go out soon.. please?

Its a friday night and im sitting here.. about to go to madigans.. o well.. bye guys..

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Time:

8:06 pm.

"....i REALLY dont know what i would do if i didnt go to camp at all next year. it would emotionally ruin me. im saying that in my interview.. bitches better hire me.. im a true hardnter gal! woohhoo!"

thats what i said last summer.. little did i know, huh!?
I emailed dfree to see what in god's name he was thinking b/c its not fair. and people ask me why i think its not fair.. well, b/c i was never able to staff or go to events b/c my parents never cared enough to drive me.. i never had a car to drive myself.. and well, thats unfair.. and soo all these random people get staff b/c they had ways to get there..

and now im pretty sure im doing anything to make excuses on why its fair. im pretty sure im whining. i know some people dont get it their first year.. but no, thats not the way this year worked.. ALL my friends got it this year and i didnt. thats bull. so i wonder. am i diseased or something. see, there are some random things in life i just dont understand.. and i guess this is one of them.

and i wish i were one of those people who could just slink back and realize its not that big of a deal, but when your mom went to camp, your aunt went, and its been in your life THAT long.. nothing is easy.. but OH YEAH.. long-life attendance and dedication to the camp wouldnt matter..

"....he doesnt understand "love" for the camp..b/c he hasnt been there long enough to know there is such a thing"

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Time:

12:19 pm.

... funny that my picture for this account was taken at camp. i wish things had turned out differently, and i know i have a right to understand where i went wrong. how can someone who loves a place so much be denied to go again. this place that i was spiritually addicted too has been taken away from me.. if everything happens for a reason, then i would like to speak to the person in charge of this opperation. out of all the things meant to happen, why that? why take away one of the most important places in my life? just seems really innapropriate. all i can say is ill miss it like non other. i remember i had to miss camp once for a dance thing and the following year was by far the worst year of my life. i guess i cant depend on a place forever..maybe thats why i didnt make it. maybe god wants me to move on.. get over hardnter...

get over hardnter??

... i dont why that makes me cry.. i dont want to forget.. and i dont want to move on..

hardtner people, have fun for me.. please. i dont know why i didnt make it, and if i did something to turn people away, tell me.. b/c its so weird.. my interview was flawless..o well, so much for trying, huh? i hope the sewanee girls do a good job, knowing nothing about camp, wandering around like idiots trying to find the pavillion.. too bad, i would have showed them if i were there...

ive waited 12 years, whats another year, right? <>

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Subject:	wow
Time:	11:51 pm.

hi guys. im back :) havent written in a decade b/c mom figured out i was sharing personal life to the public and went nuts. good thing im in college now, so it doesnt matter much, huh? anyways. lsu is grand. finals have been grand. zeta is super grand. and my boyfriend is the super-est! yes, jeffrey and i are still together.. i think since weve made it this far (its been FAAAAAAR from easy) through the first months of college, we can make it so much more. and he IS going skiing with me over mardi gras... so im a wee bit excited. ill just say, i love love! anyways. how is everyone? i miss those who actually used to read this stuff. leave me some love.. haha if yall even remember me!
-tika-

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Time:

7:03 pm.

i wish i could see everyone today.. like every single person i love.. i miss everyone. too bad ivans gonna kill all of us. this single-handidly has been the worst month of my life. no lies. college is supposed to be fun, right? not if your name is tika. ive gotten myself into the worst situation ever. ive lost the only person ive ever loved for real b/c im a huge slut. i cant stand the person i am. earlier today, i had the suicide note ready.. i was so close. why should i live a life that i cant change? i love him so much but nothing is worth knowing im the worst person for him. he'd probably be relieved if i killed myself. i know most of you just think im saying all this, but really. i had that knife ready today.. far more close than ive ever been to doing any kind of harm to myself. im just sick inside. the worst part is that i cant do anything to help him. i know he'll never talk to me.. and i know the reason i did what i did concerning our relationship.. but he doesnt understand. he thinks i broke up b/c i found friends. not true. for everyone's information, i have a lot of crap going on in my life right now. shit that has nothing to do with school, or jeff, or my sorority. my family is quite literally falling apart over my sister, and so am i. its VERY hard to realize ill never get my sister back b/c of drugs. its very hard to handle my first year of college, a boyfriend, sorority, and my family. everything got to be too much and i acted rashly on some random thought. i figured breaking up would help me.. and it did. i came to a lot of desicions and conclusions. but i went a strange way about it. i completley disrespected myself the past 3 days. its not like me to hook up with guys like i did, but shit happens and i can honestly say ive made the biggest mistakes of my life in the past 5 days. people make mistakes and ive been told i HAVE to forgive myself. but i cant. i cant tell myself everything is gooing to be ok while the person i love HATES me. nothing will be ok until i talk to him, and whether or not he forgives me, at least ill have closure. i never intended on staying away from him for a long amount of time.. i wanted a break.. but the things i did after will forever kill any kind of relationship i want to regain with him. all i can say is im sorry and i want to start over. i couldnt have been with you for a year (11 months today) if i didnt truely love you. you said the other entry i wrote made you sick.. i can understand.. but i meant everything i said, and still do. i just want to start over. our relationship was unhealthy for me and i needed to figure some shit out.. YES i made mistakes afterwards, but i cannot help those things now. i regret every single thing i did.. and i almost killed myself over them today. im not sure how im ever going to be ok.. i just wish youd take the time to talk to me.. im sure nothing will change, but i just need the closure. either way, ill be sitting in my dorm room by myself for this hurricane and i cant think of anything else more depressing. but i know i deserve worse. if i could ask god to take my life without hurting my family.. i would.. im so sorry.. i wish i werent myself.

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Time:	1:36 am.
Mood:	confused.
Music:	Shadows- Ashley Simpson.

yay for mandy being a zeta! it's the best sorority EVER. waaaaay better than chi o. anyways. to anyone who cares, today me and three other sisters got nose rings. my mother is going to flip! o well. i figure its her money and her credit card so i can do it, right? hmmm.. anyways. im in a selfish mood. every single night i have a different dream of jeffrey being with another girl. its really getting to me. of course, right when i wake up i grab him and start to shiver b/c its honestly really scary and i dont like it. he immediatly knows whats wrong and so he'll just hold me tighter and whisper "i love you". i wish i werent so protective and jealous.. but i am. i guess i just need to realize he loves me, and always will.. especially after a year. and yes, it still feels like we just started dating.. gotta love true love! aw! anyways.. ill update in another 10 years. im always busy. i hate the girls hitting on jeff. grrrr. (see! dont yall see now that no matter what im talking about the subject of jeffrey and another girl is ALWAYS in the back of my head!!!!) i cant get it out and it depresses me. o well. math test thursday. paper due thursday. AND ive gotten a pimple! i never get pimples!! must mean im stressed... yeeeah, jeffrey and those damn girls! o well, gotta get up early to go to the classes i didnt do the homework for. damn.
-tika-

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Subject:	its been a while.. again..
Time:	6:38 pm.
Mood:	mellow.
Music:	High Speed- Coldplay.

hi yall.. i cant tell you how busy ive been. but its a good kind of busy. im always at class or at the boys dorms or well, anywhere else other than my computer now so i guess thats why i havent been able to update in so long. at least i still wanna talk! hehe. i really love college but i do miss my family and my sister and my cat.. aww. poor peanut is stuck with new "kitt-en" at home (cause i got my sister a cat).. and peanut doesnt like splitting the attention with annother kitty.. too cute.

cant say much about my classes. i really should have taken the french test so i could place out of a french class cause im in HELL !!! i mean, ive never felt so bored listening to people learn french (days of the week and numbers through 1-10) im serious.. im not being cocky.. i just need to be in another clas.. after my second day i went up to my teacher and explained my situation to her.. ALL IN FRENCH.. haha, she looked at me with a glance i can still picture.. utterly surprised i think. hehe, at least ill get an A!

last night= large parties at brightside=koolaid w/ everclear=ahmed puking EVERYWHERE! hehe.. it was amusing.. me and jeff babysat him all night so he didnt puke in his sleep and choke.. what are friends for!?

another thing.. i LOVE my sorority. for any people who say sororitys just buy friends and all they do is drink and are really stupid can shove it b/c its not true at all. its simple. they are your all-loving sisters until the day you die. no lies. they would do anything for you, active or pledge. it doesnt matter. i would rush all over again just to become a ZTA. i dont regret a thing.

aaaaand nellie.. you know why you need to be calling me. weve waited too long and its time, darling. 504 430 5093 bitch.

au revoir mes amis. je t'aime beaucoup.

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Time:	4:00 pm.
Mood:	busy.
Music:	Hanging by a moment- Lifehouse.

sorry i havent talked to yall in a while. i miss everyone very much. most of all i miss camp! anyways.. i am now a zeta tau alpha.. the best sorority in the world. my sisters are the bestest friends i could have ever asked for and i know this is the place i wanna be. yay for finding a second home. i think jeff is getting used the fact that im not gonna be with him for every second of every day. it'll be fine.i love him very much and im so happy that were together. everyone says that having a boyfriend in college will limit my fun and making friends.. but i go out without him and i make friends fine. were very well balanced and with my new sisters, everything will be even better. im so happy with where everything is.

maryanne is my new bunny buddy at zeta and i couldnt be anymore happy! shes super helpful and makes me feel so at home.. she's the coolest!

classes start tomorrow and well, i couldnt be anymore MAD b/c all my classes got PURGED!!!!!!!!!!!!! damned lsu didnt send us a bill so we never payed and now i dont have any classes! wooohooo! that really sucks ass bad.

anyways, i gg to the zeta house in like 45 minutes so we can go together to some convocation at the pmac.. woohoo.. i hope they dont make us walk there b/c id be incredibly mad.

ttyl dudes.. send me some love
dorm phone: 225 334 6315

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Subject:	..and i fall back into your open arms..
Time:	12:40 am.
Mood:	indescribable.
Music:	Whisper- Coldplay.

this is it. the first day of the rest of my life. sounds dramatic but its true. all through childhood you have no idea what the world has in store for you. you have no idea what your ups and downs will be and how hard they'll affect you. all you cared about were desicions such as apple juice, or orange juice or what pretty color you liked best. everything is different now.. and it should be. but now that im at the day that ive written about and waited for my entire life, im not so sure im ready for it. yes, lsu is less than an hour 1/2 away, but what im describing is so much more than distance. its time. its realizing your finally at that day your entire life was trying to prepare you for. the day you move out. the day you become finanically independant. the day you make your own desisions. you continuosuly say over and over that you cant wait and your so ready, but when i say it creeps up on you, it really creeps up on you. i feel like i havent payed my dues yet, i havent said goodbye to so many people. i know its not like im dying or anythning, but in a sense, i am leaving a world behind. i may be overdramatic, but i cant help the feelings i have right now. tonight has been a ride and if my guitar werent all packed up then id probably write an amazing song. i guess this is my clean slate ive been begging for. i guess this is my time to throw away all the shit ive done and gotten myself into. i guess im ready for all that. all i know is that i scared shitless. all the things i wanted to get away from all this time, is fading before me slowly and theres nothing i can do to hold on to it. i have to face sooner or later that im growing up. i cant stay in kindergarden forever, right? i want so badly to do it all over again b/c this change happening right now is killing me. i hope this is a time that i make up for all the friendships that i lost in high school.. and make better friends with healthier relationships. i wish i could go back just to high school as myself.. not changing for anyone else and being my own leader. if your reading this and your still in high school, be youself. its so easy to get caught up in friends and you lose sight of who you are inside. listen to your heart, as hard as it may be.. b/c you'll turn out SO much better in the end. i swear, this is coming from someone who caught on a little too late.. and that made everything so much harder. people will respect you more when you love yourself. with that said, i guess ill say goodbye to everyone here in new orleans. for those of you at camp, at school, and other i met along the way.. thankyou so much for the ups and downs that make me who i am today. i love you all more than you know, and ill miss you. remember me and i promise ill remember every single one of you. thanks for everything, yall. its been a ride, really it has.. and i wouldnt trade it for the world. xoxoxo
hope to see you guys soon
lsu bound
-tika-

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Subject:	o times are a changin'
Time:	2:25 am.
Mood:	satisfied.
Music:	Friday- Eliska Torres (is it weird to like your own music?).

i cant believe i move away on saturday.. that would make it one day away and ive only got one box packed. i start rushing the minute i get there.. kinda sucks.. but hey, at least ill make tons of new friends who'll stick with me till the bitter end..thats all i really want. sisterhood. i wanna feel like i have girls who've got my back during the hard times, who wont forget about me, and who wont cower out when fights erupt. im so tired of living through high school. it was so sickening and every time i think about any living day of it, i wanna vomit. all of it was such a huge lie. a really big, disgusting lie.. and for those who dont think it was.. you're lying to yourselves.. although, i might be wrong b/c some really do find out who they are during those times.. and they dont give in to anything from anyone.. props to them.

im so ready for college.. even though im walking away from a basically shattered family. i wish it wasnt so bad timing.. but things happen for a reason. im excited i get to live my own life and make so many new friends, but most of all.. my music will prosper! me and nellie are starting a band.. b/c we both write music and play guitar and sing.. why not collaborate and make it together.. you guys watch out.. were gonna be fucking rock stars. i cant wait to start performing and watching people's faces as they identify with our music.. our dreams are not unrealistic, nellie.. theyre just fucking fine.. and NO ONE can or will tell us otherwise. were gonna be rock stars.

i watched gothica tonight.. and guess what!? it sucked!!!!! haha. but it only gave me time to do one of my two favorite things in the world.. kiss jeffrey ;) after 9 months, that still just does not get boring.. in fact, it only gets better. i thought id be sad after i told him all the shit i needed to tell him from 7 months ago, but it all worked out ok.. we love eachother so much, and everything is always ok..

i wanted to add this shit b/c i think its amusing....

YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (NAME OF FIRST PET + STREET YOU LIVE ON):
Sunday Courtland (mmmm.. i use ice cream!!)

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (NAME OF YOUR FAVOURITE SNACK FOOD + GRANDFATHERS FIRST NAME):
Twizzlers Gus (please no)

YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (FIRST WORD YOU SEE ON YOUR LEFT + FAVOURITE RESTAURANT):
Party Shogun

EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice + Last Foreign Vacation Spot):
Cinnamon Paris

SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname + Town Where You First Partied):
Tikibell New Orleans

"FLY GIRL" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial + First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name): E. Torr

ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight + Any Liquid in Kitchen):
Chocolate Ketchup

DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal + Your High School):
Lamb St.Martins

BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate + Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink):
Chocolate Kalhua

SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name + Street Where You First Lived):
Gwynneth Cleaveland

ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy + Last Name Of Favorite Musician):
Twizzlers Torres (yeah bitches, thats my last name..)

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Time:	2:10 am.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	Pieces of Me- Ashley Simpson.

kinda depressed and happy all at the same time. is that even possible? i have to babysit my sister tomorrow. yes, she's 19 years old and i have to babysit her. i have the responsibilty to make sure she doesnt kill herself. i hope no one else ever has to go through the same babysitting job because it sucks so bad. im so unhappy and worried and scared and it doesnt make it any easier that im moving away saturday for good. i wont know anything thats going on. all i can do is pray my mother has the strength to deal with my sister ..and my sister has the strength to stay alive.. times are so hard and i dont know how everything got so messed up.

ahh.. i dont want to think about anything anymore.

once again, we saw trent ressner at the movies... he sat behind us. what are the odds that everytimew we go to the clearview palace, he goes to the same movie, same time, same theatre.. hahaha weeeeeird!

on another note, im a bitch and i hate myself. im immature and childish and i dont know why anyone would want to carry on an entire serious relationship.. i suck so bad.. really i do. im sorry to the few ive recently hurt..i really screwed up.. in more ways than one.. love you bear..

my fish is still dead in its little tank...upsidedown.. im finding it hard to change somethings right now..

im tired.. was up till 7:30am yesterday.. once again.. im SO sorry to those i hurt..i truly suck ass real bad.. ill never let myself live anything down...

bye

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Time:	5:08 pm.
Mood:	cheerful.
Music:	Accidently in Love- Counting Crows.

im home now... i guess i cant really explain what this trip was like for me because more happened in this week than ive ever been ready to actually accept. why there, why then?? i guess god really does work in mysterious ways. o well. im glad to be home and back where i can use my own toilet and not worry about catching herpes from a hick mother with a receding hairline.. hmm.. dont ask..

why doesnt new orleans have a waffle house? that really disturbs me. someone should really look into this problem.

um. i move aproximatly one week from today. anyone else scared?

my jeffrey issues are pretty much gone. i think a week away helped me not to be so friggin anxious and scared. he only called me clingy once! and that was last night b/c i wouldnt let the poor boy go back into the movie he so nicely left to call me back.. haha im such an ass.

anyways.. i had my issues but eveything is going to be ok. now im waiting for him to get to my house so i can FINALLY see him! yay!

i wanna do something tonight..

o well.. toodles guys..

liddddddddddy we must talk!

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Time:	1:13 am.
Mood:	cold.

im insanely cold right now.. even though im in florida. the trip has gone insane.. and i know something like a "trip" cannot got physically insane, but if it were possible.. this would be the only explanation for what has happened. i cant say anything but i can say that im no longer happy. and im scared.. truely scared. i miss jeffrey. it seems like its going to be so long until i see him too. i just have to remember. one week until i move into herget. one week until i can leave this life behind and start a new one on my own. as myself. wipe the slate clean. i want everything to be ok when i leave. but i know it wont be. everything just got too hard i suppose. i miss her. i wish i had my guitar.

she just started to sink in her own body. like on the outside she was a cement wall, but on the inside everything was crying.. her heart, her lungs, her bones.. all withered and soaked with tears from the past, the present, and the future she never wants to see. she'll never accept the people around her because she cannot accept herself. the people who love her are nothing, her cat, her sister, even her mother dont matter. only the items she pays for matter. she'll extract them into her body until the pain she suffers morphs into hallucinations and imaginary highs, hiding behind the walls she's become so accustomed to over 19 years. her cries are never heard behind that wall. but then again, she doesnt need anyone anymore, she's got him.. he hides too..behind his self-built, homemade wall. theyve got eachother now. no one can find them. i cant find them. where is my sister?

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Time:	2:58 am.
Mood:	moody.
Music:	Get Out- Jojo.

well, tomorrow i leave for florida for a week. still peeved that mom didnt let my man come, but what hurts us only makes us stronger, right? we stayed together through 6 months of hellish la tech, so i think one week will certainly work out. and anyways, i have NO doubt that when i come back, he will be as mine as he was when i left. were bound to eachother and nothing or no one can take that away. thats what i love about finding love. its that feeling you have that nothing can ever come between you and that other "something".. and i say something accordingly.. because jeffrey really is something.. i couldnt have asked for more.. "...he fell from the stars above when i asked god to send me someone".. (dont ask.. from some song.... that i wrote... on the geeeeitaur..).. riight

saw the village tonight.. not too scary, but super clever.. of course jeffrey figured it out before anyone else..... and then told us... lol o well, at least he didnt guess wrong.. hes so smart! theres that holy cross/la tech education for ya! so yeah, we also saw trent ressner there too.. with some ethnic whore.. i guess when your that rich, the nationality of your whores dont matter anymore... damn..

peanut(my beloved child.. shit, i mean cat..) has to be in a cage all week at the vet while were gone :( does anyone else feel the sorrow?? i could cry. tonight he was acting so weird cause he knew something was going on.. animals can sense that kinda shit.. so i was sad.. he was sad.. dammit, it was a sad moment..

well, the time has finnaly come, when i get back from florida-(the 7th).. i move into herget that next saturday and start rushing.. srcared? yes. happy? yes. but like 5 days later the rest of the gang moves in too and everyone will be together again..haha, its funny looking back on the entries from senior year and reading the countdown on how long i had until college.. it really flew by.. and at the time, i never thought it would.. crazy.

ill miss all of you so much. dont forget to KIT (keep in touch).. but i guess ill write that the day i leave.. haha im a loser, getting all sentimental on you now! haha.. anyways, im bringing my laptop to flordia soooo ill be able to update on how many times i get my ass bitten by sharks.. haha uhhhh.. toodles!

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Time:	8:34 pm.
Mood:	bored.
Music:	Ordinary-Train.

hhmm.. a real journal entry? maybe. i havent "really" updated in a while.. i dont know why. i have nothing of importance to say anymore, really. i mean, i could bore you guys with annoying details of jeffrey and i's fights, but who wants to read about that? sooo i dont really need this to vent.. thats where writing music comes in.

ive realized the perception most people have of me. and im not blaming them, cause im the one who initializes it. i act like such a ditz, all innocent and cute-pretending not to know anything.. yet ive always known that isnt me. o well, people will soon realize. at least in college i can start over. I HOPE TO GOD i can play music and sing with people when i get there. cause theres nobody here that doesnt live in chalmette or is an x boyfriend. i swear thats all i want. to be freed by music. i recently played a song i wrote to some of jeffs friends and they were amazed that i had any musical talent.. apparently, i can sing?? yeah, didnt know that. i just play and sing what i feel.. and then write it down. i want so badly to share it with people and to have people support me. music has helped me grow so much, and i really want to help others grow. im ready. i want to start a band.. i want to perform. i want to get out there and be noticed for who i am, and not for my past. im ready.

so lets do it. someone, anyone..

and on another note, im hungry and it feels like eternities have past and jeffrey will never get off work. its times like these i start to feel paranoid about nothing. although, tomorrow night was the night i was upset about, where i worked and he had the night off.. yeah, i dont like when im sitting at home waiting for him to call at 3am.. and then he calls four hours later and blameus it on me.. (haha, yall just got the overview of our last fight! woohoo!) anyways, someone switched with me sooo we get to work tomorrow morning together instead! yay! and he was happy about that, mega yay!

and on another, another note ive been researching this halo/ilovebees shit all freaking day and i dont even understand anything about it. you'd be so surprised how much people really get into that shit. its amazing. there were people de-coding java text and all this shit... its nuts.. woooooeee! how fun is that!?

allright. im leaving..

im serious about my music.. i wanna play with you guys..(musically)..hehe

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